(not complete yet)
I want to start by challenging the language. I’ve never been a big fan of the manic word. Nor honestly depression. Much more intuitive to me or words like expanded and contracted. When I’m up I expand, I fill the space. When I am down I contract into it tight little ball the terrible painI experience in the state comes from being so contracted so tight nothing
I probably never should have been to the psychiatric establishment and started using these psychiatric words. I think maybe everything would’ve stayed clearer that way.
My quotes depression” has never looked like when I depression is supposed to look like. The core of my depression is physical pain, this contraction had described. Sometimes I get affective changes secondary to that, but they can really be largely explained by that the discouragement, is from suffering that seems to have no end -No light at the end of the tunnel￼￼￼￼.
I have called the state this contract and stayed depressed because that’s what the shrinks wanted to call it and because it alternates with what they call mania but I prefer expand it. My mania almost never looks like the chaotic out of control state we see on TV commercials for Bipolar Drugs. And actually overtime I have learned to manage that state to where it is mostly a pretty beautiful experience: I live free funny full of feelings creative productive – seldom spending too much money or starting projects I can’t complete. I’ve had honestly a couple of months long episodes that do fit in all of those criteria, but that’s two in 30 years
I had a therapist who always rejected the validity of my expanded states because I didn’t get enough sleep. “That means your diss regulated”. But my experience has always been that I just plain didn’t need all that sleep and that I would much prefer to be getting things done. Some of it may be the artist temperament: choosing to be used by the muse, When the creative spark flashes you honor it, strike while the iron is hot. Are usually can get to sleep fine, but two hours later when I get up to P or five or four hours later at my second day, I’m just awake. Do you want to lay back down and try to be asleep like you do when you’re contracted or shall we get up and get going. It’s an easy choice for me.
To me, one sign that this is not media is that I have not resisted the question. I’m not defensive about it. “Let’s explore it.” I have felt pretty confident that I knew where that exploration was going to go, but I have reviewed it and I think a whole hearted way.
My really good friend Tom Kilby with my live for three years and who knows my moods up close and personal, is unequivocal: I know your mania and this is not bad. I think you were having a genuine waking up experience, I just worry about, how wild it is and if this is it going to Chareane out of control. A few years ago I had another friend who also I think was having a genuine Waking Up experience, but then his ego took over: he started thinking he was God and became psychotic. I don’t see any sign of that with you yet, but I worry about it.
Tom, loves me a lot and knows me really well, scared me one day by saying that he thought he would not want to perform a certain piece with me. He’s missed your performance and never misses a chance to show off.
Quotes not the way you are now”.￼Why? Does he really think there’s something basically wrong with my current state?￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼￼ I inquired about this and was very comforted by his response: “I see nothing wrong with where you are now, I just don’t know if I can keep up with you. “He’s Mr. spontaneity, very fast himself, and it never occurred to me that his reluctance might be about this. “You are just so fast right now if I were you would hand me things that I couldn’t deal with.
My last psychiatrist, before he retired and I changed over to the wonderful man Howard, was Bill Simons in a while your bird parentheses oh, like me, exactly my age. When my previous psychiatrist David Manly, who was moving to the VA system referred me to Bob, he said Dr. Simon knows more about bipolar disorder than anybody else in the southeast and I ended up thinking that maybe that’s true. He like to say parenthesis and does old people do oftenrepeat ourselves parentheses that bipolar disorder is not a mental illness but an energy disorder. You’re either too fast or too slow.This is similar to what some Chinese medicine people say: there are two diseases either too fast or too slow parentheses for alternatively too hot or too cold parentheses. To expanded or too contract￼￼￼Ed.
Another reason I think I’m not “manic” is because of all the ways I see myself around myself, stop myself. Let me do another separate post about that.