I haven’t up to this moment told the following to anybody – even my really good friend Tom, who would have made great sense to tell because it was with him that I so abruptly two weeks ago pulled out of plans to become roommates, along with his great 19-year-old son Ian.
I have truthfully been telling him and everybody that I shockingly and suddenly woke up at two in the morning last Wednesday – knowing I was getting an important life message, but not knowing what. And that, within moments, I realized that it had already been decided for me that I was not going to move in with Tom and Ian, but would be staying in the Battery Park Apartments subsidized, senior, beautiful historic hotel – which I have been saying for months that I hate.
For the last two weeks – since having this realization, in the middle of the night, that I’m not moving – I have been telling people a part of the truth: that, after scheduling our new Thursday “Gatherings”, one more weekly commitment downtown, I realized that most of my life is downtown and I would be crazy to move way out to Candler.
What I have not yet told anybody is that my very first thought on awakening was:
“You are about to undertake a sexual rebirth, for which you could possibly/maybe/who knows? have more than one partner.
“You are already really clear that you will never pursue or seduce or manipulate anybody into sex, but just let them come to you – which you feel really pretty confident that they will. These days you don’t pursue anybody for anything. You don’t ask women out for dates. You don’t do online dating. You aren’t ‘looking’.
“You may even give up your fabulously fun, most bold and over-the-top flirting, lest some watchers confuse that with seduction.” (That one is going to be tough. It is genuinely so much fun – and I, and I think usually the person I am teasing, both know that it is just for fun. We will have to wait and see the future of this practice.)
“You are entering a potentially fabulous, free new period in your sexual life. And now you are going to move from this sweet apartment, so-conveniently located right downtown – to a run-down old house with a very young and a kind of old roommate, with very little actual privacy (certainly not for loud passionate noises and running around the house giddy and naked) – way the hell out in the country. You are setting yourself up to be a monk, not a very old new-age stud!”
No, this has all been my own little secret that continually makes me giggle – until now sharing it with all y’all.
Yes, I am kind of totally starting over sexually – almost a virgin again.
I know, really solidly know, that I am going to be totally content if all that happens with any particular partner is to spend a lot of time looking deeply in their eyes, or lots of affection but no sexual action or even energy, or simply sensual or maybe sexual massages – or lots of practice building and holding a mutual intense sexual charge, without blowing that charge with an orgasm.
This tantric yoga practice is really just for the man. Women – you little stinkers – are blessed with the capacity to come as much as you want and still stay hot, whereas us guys, after coming, tend to lose all our charge and our capacity to resist the call of sleep.
I know that it will be crucially important to “surrender the outcome” – to be equally happy with whatever is meant to happen between me and any potential partner. And at the same time I am pretty sure that – unless I get hit by a bus in the very near future – I am about to have one helluva good time, and to rock some men’s and women’s worlds in the process.