When my energy body turns down (Saturday, 12/28)

What do I do when my energy body which for six months was mostly pure light turns suddenly but then also progressively to mostly lead?

This is the predicament I seem to find myself in. During the first week after my precipitous energy downturn 17 days ago, it looked like it was going to be hard work to keep going but totally doable. I was not factoring in the possibility that my slow slide towards my energy turbines turning slower and slower and slower over time might just continue.  feeling-low-energy-vector-11662738

Since this energy slide over the last 17 days (since 12/11) has been progressive there is a possibility – probably a really good possibility – that it will continue. and that strategies that in this moment seem in reach may turn out to be out of reach. I’m going to try to realistically assign priorities to each of these items:

  •  A) crucial. Got a find a way to keep doing them. 
  • B) stretch objectives. I really really want to do them, but will go easy on myself if over time they become maybe untenable. 
  • C) nice ideas. In this moment I can picture myself doing them, but they may be pipe dreams even today.

It’s one in the morning. I went to bed at 7 PM and got five hours of pretty solid sleep. Then I lay in bed for maybe an hour thinking. Out of that experience I am producing my first two strategies.

  • Get up every day and stay up as much as possible A

  • If I lay in bed awake for a longish time, maybe an hour, push myself to get out of bed, go stumble into the living room and do something – even if it’s only to check my email A

  • Try to keep writing, most days anyway, even if that only means to try to capture in a voice to text file, like I’m doing now, something that looks like it might have potential to share with people, maybe on my blog. Hopefully after the fact I will find the energy to clean that file up and try to publish it on the blog A

  • Shower and shave every day A

  • Eat regularly, real food, try to get some greens, try to use my new-to-me juicer. A

  • Get Pancho out for play dates with Diana and Angie and Susie.  A

  • Get or hire someone to take her for longer walks if I can’t. Maybe Cynthia or Cindy. A

  • Get out of the house every day, preferably more than once, at least to walk the dog.  Pancho is now using pee pads and doesn’t have to hold it when I don’t get her out. A

  • Maintain some minimum social contact. A

    • I have been telling Diana for days that I want her to come over and watch a video with me and I’ll cook her a veggie burger. Push. Do it. (later – done, yay!) A

    • When people are pursuing me for social contact, respond back to them positively B

    • There are maybe four people on the screen right now that I feel motivated to violate my “do not pursue” policy and keep going after them. I want to do that. C.

    • Having, over the last three weeks, achieved some pretty great feng shui in my apartment, don’t let it go. Don’t let it slide. Don’t let clutter accumulate. Keep getting the dirty dishes out of the kitchen sink. Keep doing your laundry. A

      I definitely have no fucking idea what “feng shui” really means.  I use the term as a convenient shorthand for getting my apartment into a shape that makes it pleasant to spend time there – which I did, big-time, a couple of weeks ago.  Achieving that peace in my environment seemed to play a role in my “Second Initiation” experience on December 3.

    • If possible, even in very minimal ways, keep pushing the decluttering process. Take one little pile of clutter and see if you can reduce it even a tiny bit. B

    • Continue your decluttering process online – organizing your files and folders better, making them more satisfying and soothing and less stressful to deal with.
      B

  • Resist mightily the siren song of 30 years of psychiatry speak. This is not “depression“. It is a ferocious, hellacious, energy downturn. It is your karma – it was wired into your energy system from birth. stock-vector--businessman-with-low-battery-red-color-vector-illustration-isolated-on-white-background-793487515

    • Your high energy, which still at this point mostly looks like a gift from the divine, comes with this price tag. As much as possible keep embracing the whole package. A

    • Do not, I repeat do not use words like “bipolar disorder”, “mania” or “depression”. They are toxic words created by a misguided profession, a profession which has damaged your life in very significant ways. You have some wiggle room against all that nonsense right now. Don’t give it up. A
    • Stay in touch with your social mainstays, Tom Kilby and Diana Buchanan. Don’t let more than a day go by without touching base with your neighbor Diana and not more than two or three days without touching in with your really good buddy Tom. A

    • Find a new therapist psychotherapist. A

      • This last one was just right for that last period of 10 weeks, it really does make sense to let go of her at this point, but find another one.

    • Share this list, maybe in the form of a blog post, with key people. A

    • Keep getting to church  A

    • Keep responding to emails and voicemails. A

    • Try to respond positively to people who reach out to you, even when you may not be able to reach out yourself. B

    • Curl up on the love seat – maybe with a beer or glass of wine or some chocolate.  Watch videos with your doggie and maybe the right person. A

      • You may have renewed your Netflix membership at just the right time.

      • Didn’t you find at one point that when you couldn’t function in any other way, that it was soothing to sit on the sofa with your dog on your lap and watch a video?

      • Find videos that are especially encouraging or inspiring or energizing.

        • Ask your Facebook friends if they have ideas B
          • If they want to come watch a video B

        • Keep giving Netflix feedback about the videos you watch and see if that helps their recommendations to you

 

        • Fussing with your Netflix queue is obviously fun and satisfying to you. Two days after you re-upped your membership you had 230 movies in your queue.

    • Get an air freshener for your apartment

      • Maybe the Earth fare wellness department will have ideas
  • Don’t fall in the trap of pathologizing the genuine accomplishments of your last six months. Specifically

    • Don’t stop cherishing the deep spiritual value of what you have been calling your two initiations: Waking Up on June 26 and the Second Initiation on December 3. A

      • You may need to scale back greatly what you think those initiations mean. A

      •  Maybe no group leading, which you clearly do not have the positive vision or physical energy to do right now. Even to do the leading much less the promotion to get people out for it. A

      • Let’s go for now of whether you will ever do coaching or counseling. That’s something you clearly don’t have the energy for right now. Wait and see.A

      • Go back and re-read the posts on your blog. If there is some language or even a whole post which now seem overblown or unrealistic, edit them or make them private for the time being. You don’t need to delete them yet B

    • Don’t toxify some of the big gains you made during those six months

      • Coming out as bisexual was a really positive thing to do. Even if you don’t have the energy to allow that to turn into any new behaviors, just the increased integrity is crucial for you.

      • The several relationships that you let go of during that period each was genuinely lacking the level of integrity you need in your life right now. Don’t criticize that step or feel like you made any bad “manic” mistakes. New relationships are already starting to fill the gap

      • Setting a new boundary with your son was heartbreaking, but necessary. You are a healthier person and your life more sustainable because of it.

  • Continue your initiative to develop a more positive loving relationship with your body

    • Continue that journaling B

    • Discontinue your relationship with your two session physical therapist, who you are realizing has a lack of integrity. A
    • Find another one, preferably one who provides what the PT’s call manual therapy, which is kind of like massage apparently and which your body seems to be craving. A

    • Follow through on the process of finding a new chiropractor, which your insurance covers, maybe especially if you are going to be spending a lot of time in bed which seems to challenge your back. A

    • You got instructions at your second initiation to let go of colas and coffee. You were in your high energy state then – I wonder about experimenting with coffee now. Maybe try it. B

    • Try to keep dancing A

      • During the last six months, you were dancing several times a day – kind of all day. Three days ago you were still dancing pretty good. Yesterday it mostly seemed like dancing was out of reach, until you got a little high on wine in the afternoon.

      • Keep putting on danceable music, in the apartment or walking the dog, and see if your body will respond to it. B

      • Try going to Susan’s Tuesday morning ecstatic dance and see what happens there. B

      • It may be worth enhancing the moment with alcohol or marijuana, if it can give you a chance to touch the light again through dance.

      •  It did seem yesterday like your body may be getting to a place – at least some of the time – of finding any kind of a beat aversive.

    • Even if conventional psychiatric wisdom and maybe even your past experience says that in this down energy state you won’t have access to the energetic kundalini connection, a.k.a. life energy, a.k.a. sexual energy, do not assume that is true. Keep experimenting.

    • Right now your experience is that pleasuring yourself sexually is harder to achieve, but not impossible. It seems like you need the right fantasy of the right person to get there. A

    • To actually be physically doing the right thing sexually with the right person could still help you touch the divine, again maybe enhanced with alcohol or marijuana, which could be a pretty good trade off for having access to the divine.

  • Do not, I repeat urgently do not, surrender to any panicked desire to try more psych meds. They have only ever been toxic for you. Continue your two month plan to phase off of Lamictal, the last one. A

  • Post this on your blog, if that actually seems to be appropriate and desirable. C

  • Keep reviewing your relationships for ones that maybe now no longer pass your integrity test. It looks like life keeps floating one at a time up to the surface. You have one in mind right now.  Keep taking action to cut the lack of integrity out of your life. A

  • Start keeping an integrity journal! This is such an obvious that it’s the first sentence in this piece that has brought out an exclamation point in me!  A

    • Go back and retroactively celebrate all the positive steps you’ve taken towards more integrity. A

    • Give good focus to the one relationship you are aware of that is right now out of integrity. Get as clear as you can about it.  A

    • If possible take action to bring more integrity into that relationship. B

  • Mind your money better than you did this month A

    • Even though you have genuinely made progress towards really embracing poverty, it still has been very stressful to have no money

    • And when your energy is down it can be genuinely disheartening and discouraging

    • Not spending too much money will probably be easier when your energy is turned down rather than turned up

  • Edit this document and organize it better than it is now B

    • That will make it more satisfying for you to re-read it or use it as a roadmap

    • Will make it easier and more satisfying for anyone else to read.

  • Who to share this with
    • Any new psychotherapist
    • Your physician
    • Janet, your lovely building manager and Gayland the program coordinator
    • Tom
    • Diana
    • Amy, your minister
    • Kim Bella at the Center for Spiritual Emergence
    • Consider putting it on the blog
    • People who have been concerned about a possible crash
      • Erin at Mission Health Partners
      • Jenna, with whom you are ending psychotherapy
      • The psychiatrist you just ended with
      • The men’s group you left
      • A couple of other relationships you broke off

Published by Majo

These days all of my identities are converging: whether I am offering a blessing in the grocery store checkout line, offering a prayer in a poem or experiencing the kinship with all life while walking my or a client's dog - it's all the same. It's all Life.

One thought on “When my energy body turns down (Saturday, 12/28)

  1. I so relate to this, energy downturns. It can take so much energy to face and make it through a day.
    Reading this post, I think about how much energy it must have taken to reach out to me about getting together to dance. Based on my own experience, it takes a lot. I get so focused on myself, I forget how challenging it can be for another person to reach out.
    Considering this , I am again sorry that it didn’t work for right now.
    You seem to connect with a lot more people in person. I admire that. Writing, texting and emailing are more comfortable for me.
    We can continue connecting however we can and maybe I will be OK with dancing soon. thanks

    Like

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